Like any disease, my dad has his good days dealing with Benson's and his bad days. Yesterday, while having lunch with my dad, he could barely articulate himself. I'm used to these days. And while it kills me every time I see him struggling to maintain a conversation, it's no surprise to me. Nevertheless, I guess my facial expressions showed some impatience or frustrations. After his many efforts, my dad simply paused and said, "I'm sorry I make no sense." There was no half joking smile on his face, he was serious. To see my own dad come to terms with his illness made me feel helpless. There was nothing I could say to make him feel better about what was happening to him, all I could do was say, "there's nothing to be sorry about," and hope to give him some support. I can't help but to notice him hurting, almost ashamed with himself. It's hard, to see someone you love and have grown up seeing as the one you need most, need you more. He later told me how he misses driving. I could see his own hopelessness in his face. A part of me felt mean, driving him around, ordering lunch for him, and helping him say things, because I know he feels embarrassed to need me in that way. I don't want to make him feel like he can't do anything, it's just the way it is. It's the only way I can help. At that moment, I realized something. There's nothing I can do to heal him, there's no way I can single handedly save him from an inevitable downfall. And I can't pretend there is. I can't be happy with the shit in my life, or in his, but I can be happy with the way I deal with it. This isn't a new thought though, I've been feeling this way for a while. A couple of nights ago, filled with lots of emotions and feelings, I just jotted down everything I was feeling. I think it relates..
we can’t live in dreams of optimism and happiness because at some point realism is gonna hit you and you’re not gonna have a plan. I’m not gonna sugar coat everything. some things suck. its how you deal with them that matters- how you can look at a situation not with fear because you don’t know how to not be optimistic, but rather with open eyes and a willingness to accept pain and some shit. so I’m happy not with everything around me, but I'm happy with how i deal with it. i can’t control everything around me, but i can control me, and my attitude and reactions to everything else.
There's no reason for me to be hopeful and optimistic. I know how things will unravel. The only thing I can do is deal with his deterioration in a way which I will look back on, when it's all over, and be happy with. I wouldn't want to look back and feel like I missed out on an opportunity to try and be there for him. I wouldn't want to feel like I left him in the dark, alone. I'd rather know that while yes, he was in the dark, I was there too, right beside him, holding his hand, caring for him, hugging him, telling him I love him, and doing my best to make him feel 100% supported and loved. Because he is. And he will always be.
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