anticipation gone wrong

The last post was left on a hopeful note. With all the support I had received, I felt ready to do something kind of big. I hadn't been to my dad's house in months. I texted him the details (I would be dropped off at his house, and I would drive us somewhere together in his car), and it seemed like he was okay with the plan. With much anticipation I was dropped off at his house the next day. As my mom drove away, I got the usual feeling in my stomach, "this isn't gonna work." For a split second, my mind filled with negativity. In that instant, I imagined how wrong this could go. But soon enough, I was back to feeling excited.

At first, I texted him. No reply. Then I called. No answer. Finally, I looked into his apartment to see the lights off. No car was to be found. Suddenly, it seemed like reality slapped me in the face. I was embarrassed, almost angry at myself. How could I possibly be so dumb to think that this quickly organized plan was going to work out well. In all the glamour and happiness of finally getting recognized by peers as brave for doing this all, I forgot that it wasn't all that easy, and sending my dad a text the night before these plans were due wasn't going to fly. 

I picked up my phone one last time. With no answer, I hung up and called my mom. "Can you come back? I left something in the car." I couldn't bring myself to tell her that my "ingenious" plan had failed. When she pulled up angrily, I signaled her to get into the passenger seat of the car, and I drove away in shame. Minimal questions were asked-- after all, my mom didn't need to ask any questions to know that my dad wouldn't follow through with simple plans. While everyone was at my dad for standing me up, I was only upset with one person- myself. 

When I arrived home, I went upstairs. About 2 hours later I received a text from my dad.. it was the usual "can you call me?" He never had the conversation over text, that was too difficult for him. I should have known. On the phone, he was completely confused when I explained what had happened. Apparently, he had no recollection of me saying I was going to drive over; he hadn't even had a car available for me to drive. While his text the previous night may have read "okay," his mind read blank.

"Honey..see with my thing... it's difficult for me to read the text messages...you need to call instead..." 

I hate when he has to bring up how the illness screws things up. I feel bad for making him say it to me, slowly, in an embarrassed tone. I should have known. 

The anticipation can really mess me up. It blinds me from reality, and makes me forgot how plans with him have always fallen through, and they may always fall through. 

I'm going to try to see him again soon. This time, I'll try to be more clear with what's happening in order to avoid these types of conflicts.