Last week I received a call from my dad. He attempted to explain that he was dogsitting and that I should come over because I have always loved dogs. While it came out as, "I have a small pet you should come see," I understood and happily agreed to come over. Because it had been so long, I was a little bit nervous to see him. After all, he's always changing, his functions are deteriorating, and he's always reacting to his situation in a new way. It was nothing less than I expected. Sometimes I wonder, is he actually worsening or am I just expecting it to be worse and therefore having some sort of placebo effect? Either way, to me at least, a month or two can change him. For my own sanity, I tend to test the limits with him. For example, I ask simple questions and observe. Does he initially respond? How long does it take him to understand what I am asking? Does he fully comprehend it? This time, I ask the obvious. "How old are you?"
His blank expression answers my questions. But I don't push him, I let him take his time. One of the worst parts of having a dad with Benson's is moments like this. Waiting, with a mutual understanding of difficulty. He looks hopeless. But I wait, because I know, or at least I really really hope, that things will be alright. He'll answer, it'll be alright. He speaks.
"Fif..fifteen. Wait no. No no no. Well I will be sixty in June.. that makes me.."
He desperately looks around and his train of thought comes to a halt.
"What are you asking?"
"How old you are"
He could understand that he was one year less than sixty. But numerical comprehension is not easy for a Benson's patient. So he kept stuttering, trying to make sense of the age, but he couldn't. At last, I ended my questioning for the day. What did I expect? This is reality. What's next? I should have known, when last year at the end of my sophomore year, he asked if I was attending college in the fall. I should have known, when he missed my birthday. I should have known, when he stopped reading the paper. But still, for some reason, I hope for something different than reality.
